A breakfast conversation and a book review

Dane (after listening to me discourse at length about what was wrong with the most recent episode of Outlander):  "Can I say something?"

Me: "Please stop talking about a show you haven't seen, based on books you haven't read?"

Dane: "No, no.  I want to contribute to the conversation."

Me: "Oh!  Ok.  Sorry. I'm listening."

Dane: "I just want to make this clear . . . . If I'm ever given the title of 'Laird,' I am definitely going to stomp around and act like a big dick about it."

Me (laughing): "Oh?"

Dane: "Yes.  And I'm definitely going to have the biggest, fanciest bedroom.  No one else will be allowed in it.  And I will call it . . . The Laird's Lair."

Me: . . .

Dane (grandly forking scrambled eggs): "And I will make people cook for me.  I'll make them fry me eggs and bacon. Lard for the Laird!"

Me: . . .

Dane: "And I will talk like this ALL THE TIME.  No one will be able to stop me!"

Dane: "You should be grateful that castle I want to buy in Leon isn't in Scotland."

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If you're not familiar with the books or the TV show that inspired Laird Dane's little tirade, let me take this opportunity to recommend them.  They're giant books, and pulpy, so you may be skeptical. Most reviewers struggle to explain why the books (and the show) are addictive and awesome without summarizing the basic plot points, listing off the genres crammed together in each volume, then gabbling incredulously about how this all somehow works out.  That kind of review doesn't make a very compelling case for why a person ought to read 8000 pages, in my opinion.  First, it doesn't do the whole thing justice.  And second, it spoils some of the surprise.  It's worse than saying, "You should watch Firefly because it's a show about cowboys in space."

So here, without further ado or plot summary, is why you should read Outlander:

It's basically the Alan Moore version of Terry Pratchett's Tiffany Aching series.

That says it all, but: The female lead is more profane than Tiffany, but still eminently pragmatic.  The horde of kilt-wearing Scotsmen are rougher and more political than the Nac Mac Feegle, but still joyous in their debauchery and cattle theft.  Since I've invoked Alan Moore, you know that the books are full of sex and/or brutality at every turn, but this is made strangely palatable by the addition of a male lead who is a wonderful combination of Travis McGee and Vash the Stampede -- with, if I'm being totally honest, a dash of Fitzwilliam Darcy in the mix.

If all of that doesn't make you want to read these books, or at least check out the show, consider this:  A major plot point at the end of book one is resolved by Scotsmen herding stolen cattle into an occupied prison.  Fun!  And this: The stoicism and humor the main characters use to endure relentless tragedy is cribbed right out of Hemingway.  And this: Time travel where the author keeps her numbers and causality straight.

Truly, some of the very best shamelessly fun and deeply moving hard-boiled fiction since John D. Mac Donald wrote The Lonely Silver Rain.

Also: Somehow Ron Moore is translating these massive complicated books into TV that (mostly) doesn't make me what to hit anything.

I hope you're convinced.  Happy reading, happy watching!